I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
