The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
