I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
