So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
my poor anus
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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