My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
