I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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