I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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