How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
