going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
