my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
