DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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