So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
