Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize