I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
