If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
