Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
