I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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