Can i not drive my cunt home
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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