Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
