I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Randomize
