I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
whose parrot is this?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I FOUND THE LEGS
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
