I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize