we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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