You smell like stripper and shame
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just blew my weed a kiss
And then my night got REAL pukey
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize