Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
the day after is always just damage control
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
