you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
There's always time for handjobs
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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