Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
