just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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