i already hear my dad disowning me
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
