This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
