The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
