don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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