this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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