she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
