I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
