I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
