i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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