I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
