dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
