I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
