hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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