Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
