Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
