And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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