dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
