found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
