If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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