I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
as a side note pls kill me
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
