I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Randomize
