My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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