but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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