apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
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