If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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