I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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