hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
