i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Is it because I queefed?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Randomize
