You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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